Sample Evaluation

W

ow! Some of you guys are so anxious to whip out a poem! Be aware that, as in previous contests, I accept only one poem each from subscribers and I will judge your first one. If you submitted a revision… well, okay. But, this time only, hehehe… Anyway, most of you are fine, but some of you should read the entire post befor submitting. I won’t mention names… In any event, I thought I’d break down a current submission to let you know how I approach these poems and how I would compose my own. The following poem is by imahima. She is an actual student of mine who is pretty cool, so I’m sure she won’t mind me using her as an example. While her second poem is funny with no fatal technical flaws, I want to point out a few things to see what might be done to augment it. (I’m keeping her first poem for the contest.)

Wearing a tanktop
But the AC is blasting
Gives me hard nipples

by imahima

First impression: Funny. Technical foul: Grammar is awkward making the goro awkward. Comments: This is a funny poem that has a lot of potential. But what would I do if I were composing this one? First is to decide on the essence of the poem: An air conditioner provides cool air. But why would you need it? Because you’re hot? Duh! Too obvious. We need to set up the poem by determining a cause for the heat, so a time or situation is appropriate: Summer, or excercise is fine. Next, how does the time or situation affect you and what is that relationship with the AC? These are the things you need to think about as you develop the poem.

So lets consider the diction that might be key: “Air conditioner” is 5 syllables and takes a lot of space. Imahima decided to choose a well-known acronym for it, AC, which uses only 2 syllables. This is fine because of the ubiquitousness of the abbreviation. The other key elements that Imahima wants to use are “hard nipples” and the element that makes them visible, “tanktop”.

Wearing a tanktop
But the AC is blasting
Gives me hard nipples

First, the image is of a woman wearing a tanktop in front of an air conditioner and her nipples get hard. Woo hoo! Nasty… and funny. But we are, perhaps, missing a time or situation that sets up the image. So let’s forget the poem and think prosaically about the situation. A young woman parks herself in front of an air conditioner trying to cool herself off after–why is she wearing a tanktop?–a brisk jog, at which point her nipples harden, an expression of youth and perhaps innocence.

Besides hard nipples and tanktop, words such as jogging/running, and sweating might give life to the poem.

After a hard run
a tanktop cools before the
AC–hard nipples

Okay, the image is better–the woman has returned from a run and she is in front of the AC–but the goro needs work. Can’t split an article from its noun. You will notice that I personfied “tanktop” using it to represent the woman as well as what she is wearing. In the following rendition, I made the AC the subject, making it more “active”–the AC cools the woman. As a result, I no longer need the word “before” or “in front of” and can now insert another word. I chose “braless” to provide a more vivid image.

After a hard run
the AC cools a braless
tanktop–hard nipples

Okay, some of you might think I’m a pervert, but it is vivid, methinks, no? Not that this poem is perfect, but I hope it gives you an idea of how I will approach these poems.

Sooooooooo, if you want to revise your poem, I will let you this once. Hehehehehe. But remember, I will only judge one poem from each subscriber. If you’re not yet a subscriber, its not too late. If you don’t want to subscribe… oh well… Anyway, have a good week end all. Peace, the O-man.

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