ello, this is Kenmore Q, on the O-man site, here to announce the Best and Most of Porn Names. The names submitted were absolutely fabulous, Darlings, and I would like to thank all those who were kind enough to participate. Without Onigiriman’s permission–and, Darlings, who would need it?–I took the liberty of switching the order of some of the names if I thought they might better fit a specific category. Some were incredibly funny and some were suspiciously droll. But, you know, Hon’, everyone’s a winner.
Disclaimer: Please, keep in mind the comments below may be off color–not too much though–and are strictly for entertainment value. None of the participants–to the best of Q’s knowledge–is a porn star, and this is simply an exercise in fun. All comments are tongue-in-cheek, are made in response to the made-up names and absoutely do not reflect or represent the persons who submitted them…
Best Numbered Name: Mimi 55
Since a part of the name had to be the street you first loved… I mean, lived on, I was worried about numbered streets, but it turned out that there was only one participant from a numbered street.
Victor Victoria Award: Queenie Elvina, Pookie Broadway
While this is about porn names, these two names just reminded me of drag queens. Queenie Elvina is pretty obvious, but doesn’t Pookie Broadway sound like a name that a guy in a dress would pick. The funniest part is that these two are female. Like the movie Victor, Victoria–starring Julie Andrews–they are women pretending to be men pretending to be women.
The Most Suspect: The Last Super Power, Marinated Meatball, Long Duk Paiky
Okay. I have my doubts about these three. Where is there a street name and the name of a pet? If “Power” were a street name, would any one have a name of a pet “The Last Power”? And “Meatball” could be the name of a pet, but a street named “Marinated”? And Paiky, well, you obviously inserted your own name… Of course, I could be wrong. Let me know if I am…
Best Male Porn Star Name in a supporting role: Chronicle Dale
The name is straight-forward, but Chronicle sounds like a great name for a guy in a supporting role. It’s as if he’s “chronicling” the antics of the lead actors.
Best Gay Porn Star Name: Max Crane
“Crane”, as in that thing that lifts heavy things–like maybe other guys?–is such an obvious metaphor for the nasty nasty, and “Max” suggests big, huge, maximum size and/or power. Now, seriously, how can this name not be gay?
Best Female Porn Star Name in a supporting role: Maggie Moonstone
Moonstone is sooooooooo 80s. So is Maggie, as in Rod Stewart’s song. But it would look perfect on the marquis under the leading actors names: “Also starring Magie Moonstone.”
Best Transexual Porn Star Name: Princess Bob
This could have been included with the Drag Queens, but there is something about the name Princess and conjures up the feminine rather than the outrageous. And a feminine “Bob”? Must be a pre-op just beginning his regimen of hormone shots.
Best Porn Producer’s Name: Executive Genki
Exectutive seems a bit mundane, but when paried with “Genki”? Wow. “Genki” in Japanese means “spirited” or “full of energy”. When applied to a man’s sexual prowess, it suggests… well, you get the image, I think. Of course, our Exectuive Genkin is female, and a genki female would undoubtedly delight and exhaust the best of us in the business…
Most Frigid Porn Name: Kimmy Coldstream
Man, talk about taking a cold shower! As any guy will tell you, a dip in a cold river, or a swim in a cold pool would make even the most excitable among us as limp as a… uh, um… well, you get the picture.
The I-can-pass-as-a-regular-person Porn Name: Charlie Kilbourne, Jeanette Rubin, Kelsey Guernsey
Yeah, this is pretty amazing. Some people like to personify their pets by giving them real names? Charlie? Jeanette? Kelsey? KELSEY?
Best Porn Snackfood Name: Bisney Puffball
Alright, for Onigiriman’s sake, I had to make at least on reference to food. And I have it on good authority that he likes Cheetos. Of course, instead of the soft puffy ones, he likes the crunchier type. I am wondering, however, what’s a Bisney? That is an unusual street name. Of course, I’m just presuming that it’s the street name, unless of course there’s a street name called Puffball! Hahahahaha
Jailbait Porn Name: Baby Saxon
The name, Baby, brings to mind a sweet young thing! Maybe, maybe… TOO young! Ugh. But it would be a cute name for a young-ish porn star. Speaking of cute..
Cutest Porn Name: Skippy Balboa
Dwahahahhahaha! Skippy! Must be Rocky’s cocker spaniel. I wonder if he knows how to pilot a boat or a plane?