My Football to Beer Equation



ow, we are six weeks into football season and I haven’t once posted about my beloved Bruins. Well, they are 4-1 against mediocre teams, and will be tested today against Oregon which only has the best offense in the Pac 10. We’ll see if the Bruin defense–the Pac 10’s best defense so far–is for real.

Anyway, yesterday I was a bit obsessed with numbers, and the idea of 6s and 12s and 24s is crucial for me because it impacts my beer purchases. You never hear of a 5 pack or a 10 pack. Beer is always sold in 6 packs or 12 bottle cases or 24 can cases. The size of the purchase allows me to calculate how much beer I can drink, a safe way to pace myself as I watch game after game of football on any given Fall Saturday. I have satellite TV and subscribe to both the Fox Sports Network package and ESPN’s GamePlan, so I literally have football from 12 noon EST until 12 midnight–those West Coast games can end pretty late.

“Are you in front of the TV for the whole 12 hours?” You might ask, and I would have to reply, “No, silly! I have to go to the bathroom sometimes.”

1 Saturday + 24 cans (1 case) of beer / 12 hours of college football = 2.0833 cans per 1 hour.

This is only an average pace, and I tend to drink faster earlier in the day and slow down around, oh… 6-ish? Besides, this is my simple math calculation. The official equation is actually based on a per game calcuation. (NCAA approval pending.)

{(4 quarters x 15 minutes) / 24 cans}Pi x {X [# of toilets] / Y [# in attendance]} = Z [number of beers] / 1 game.
Note: Pi=(11 offense + 11 defense) / (6 touchdown points + 1 extra point kick)

If I’m at home and I can count on one toilet for me to use, that would calculate out to 7.85 beers per 1 game. Since a college game lasts around 3.5 hours, this figure is slightly higher than my lazier, easier calculation of about 7.29 beers per game. But this is a per game calculation and does not take into account any gradual declination of pace with each succeeding game.

Of course, the calculation changes if you watch the game at a bar or at the stadium. The variables are so great that that the calculation would probably require a degree in astrophysics–capacity of venue, number of toilets, size of mug/glass, driving distance from home, the cute cheerleader/waitress to obnoxiously drunk strangers ratio, etc. It is far too complex to explain here.

Anyway, it is time for me to go and watch some pigskin action! Go Bruins!